More Bread!!

An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), “Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread.”

So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asked. “Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread,” came the reply.

So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. “How was your meal today, sir?” the manager asked. “Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,” came the reply.

So…the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. “Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,” came the reply once again.

The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, “How was your meal TODAY, sir?”

The old Jew replied, “It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!”

Nutty Tech Support

The Top 10 Signs the Tech Support Person Has Gone Completely Nuts

10. Asks every caller, “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a date?”

9. Attempts a mind meld with your Pentium chip.

8. Insists you stay on the phone until you’ve gone through all five stages of grief.

7. The answer to every question begins with the phrase, “Technology is like a box of chocolates…”

6. Tells you to perform a “quick uninstall” by waving a big magnet over your hard disk.

5. Regardless of the question, says you “must find the magic emerald to kill the ogre and get to the next level.”

4. Antivirus program consists of chicken soup and plenty of rest.

3. In response to every question, instructs you to “please disrobe prior to the examination.”

2. Takes credit for the Millennium Bug.

and the Number 1 Sign the Tech Support Person Has Gone Completely Nuts…

1. By following the laughter-stifled directions on installing RAM, you end up doing a perfect Macarena.

The Trees

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG “aCciDenTS”.

A Scandal of Biblical Proportion

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.”

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”.

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men”. Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub’s investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

The Hills

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Extra Effort

In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300…..

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I’m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area” in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: “My…we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”, but I didn’t respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, “Mom -where’s my washcloth?” I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, “No -I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”

Evolution of Mathematics

THE EVOLUTION OF MATHEMATICS TRAINING OVER THE PAST FIFTY YEARS

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Clinton’s Speech Translated

Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.

[Translated comments are in brackets.]

“President Bill Clinton’s Speach”

Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.

[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would
ever want to answer.

[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to
you tonight.

[I got busted, and now I’m trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without
actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

[I have given a new definition to the term “screwed by the Government.”]

In fact, it was wrong.

[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

[Hope you brought a shovel ’cause here comes the bullsh*t…]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

[I lied like a bitch.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

[Guess who’s not `getting any’ tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of
my own conduct.

[I thought I’d get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of ‘Soccer.’]

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed,
was a consideration, too.

[I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation
itself is under investigation.

[I’m still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who’ve caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

[Can’t everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most — my wife and our daughter — and our G-d.

[Git offa mah land ‘fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain’t seen NOTHIN’ yet!!]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It’s nobody’s business but ours.

[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.

[-cough- -cough- -choke- I’m having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that’s gone up…]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is
all I can do.

[I got busted but maybe you won’t see though my flimsy facade.]

Now it is time — in fact, it is past time to move on.

[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

We have important work to do — real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything…]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national
discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

[Now that I’ve made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term
‘American Pigs,’ and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever
happened? –C’mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching.

[Sorry you had to see this.]

And Good Night.

[Ok! That’s the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]

Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 15:34:33 -0500

I’m glad I’m a (wo)man

I’M GLAD I’M A MAN

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west.
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

******** And now it’s time for a rebuttal ***************

I’M GLAD I’M A WOMAN

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see-I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!