Leonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun. Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go. Kate Winslet: I promise. (lets go) Titanic, the Movie-A-Minute version This joke was written by Samuel Stoddard …
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to sent it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his …
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?” George replied, “God and me are tight. He …
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks) Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” …
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s been a little TOO well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. Can’t get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a …
Brian is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter…. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week …
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees …
I am Homer of Borg, prepare to be assim… Ooooooooh donuts! This is Porky Pig of Borg. You will be asi-asi-asi-asi-asi-asi… you will join us. Yoda of Borg am I. Assimilated you will be. Futile is your resistance, um? Borger King Burgers: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant. I am Pentium of …
This is a true story. At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus …
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”) 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too …
