Poor Cow…

(REUTERS) Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Is Bill Gates Rich?

“Money is neither good or bad, its what you do with it”

Welcome to the Bill Gates Net Worth Page

Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft has been rated by Forbes Magazine as the richest man in the world for the last several years. His net worth has reached such astounding levels that we decided to find a way to present it that made sense to the average reader.
———————————————————————-
How much is Bill worth right now?

We obviously do not have a full reckoning of everything Bill owns. But we do know that he owns 281,416,470 shares of Microsoft. As of Thu Feb 27 9:34PM Eastern U.S. Time , Microsoft was selling for
$96.12. Some simple multiplication tells us that he owns $27,049,751,096.40 worth of Microsoft stock. (That’s $27.04 billion.)

By The Way…

Microsoft has a total of 1,195,188,000 shares outstanding, worth a total of $114,881,470,560. (That’s $114.88 billion .) Bill’s 281,416,470 shares represents 23.54% of Microsoft.

Microsoft’s stock was up by $4.125 today. This means that Bill made another $1,160,842,938.75 today. (That’s $1.16 billion.)

How Much Money IS That?

According to the US Census Bureau, the population of the US on January 1, 1997 was: 266,499,365. This means that Bill could give $101.5 to every person in the United States.

The Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California seats 100,092 people. If it were full, Bill could give $270,248.88 to each person.

What if Bill were a Country?

Let’s compare Bill’s Net Worth with the Gross Domestic Products of the nations of the world. GDP Data is only current through 1992 since that was the most recent I could find and comes courtesy of the Penn World Tables.

Ranking Country 1992 GDP

1 U.S.A. $4,575,975,000,000 $4.57 trillion
2 Japan $1,873,020,000,000 $1.87 trillion
3 China $1,734,866,000,000 $1.73 trillion
47 New Zealand $39,009,179,000 $39 billion
48 Sri Lanka $38,552,075,000 $38.55 billion
49 Singapore $35,656,154,000 $35.65 billion
50 Ireland $34,182,439,000 $34.18 billion
51 Ecuador $31,195,090,000 $31.19 billion
**** Bill Gates $27,049,751,096 $27.04 billion
52 Tunisia $25,885,350,000 $25.88 billion
53 Kenya $23,461,466,000 $23.46 billion
54 Guatemala $21,890,274,000 $21.89 billion
55 Sudan $19,015,296,000 $19.01 billion
56 Dominican Rep. $16,472,250,000 $16.47 billion

And What if Bill Were a Public Company?

While Bill is not a company, and Fortune Magazine’s Fortune 500 rates companies on their total annual revenue, it still makes for an interesting comparison…

Ranking Company 1995 Revenue
1 General Motors $168,828,600,000 $168.82 billion
2 Ford Motor $137,137,000,000 $137.13 billion
3 Exxon $110,009,000,000 $110 billion
19 Citicorp $31,690,000,000 $31.69 billion
20 Hewlett-Packard $31,519,000,000 $31.51 billion
21 PepsiCo $30,421,000,000 $30.42 billion
22 Metropolitan Life Insurance $27,977,000,000 $27.97 billion
23 Amoco $27,665,000,000 $27.66 billion
*** Bill Gates$ 27,049,751,096 $27.04 billion
24 Motorola $27,037,000,000 $27.03 billion
25 American International Group $25,874,000,000 $25.87 billion
26 ConAgra $24,108,900,000 $24.1 billion
27 Kroger $23,937,800,000 $23.93 billion
28 Dayton Hudson $23,516,000,000 $23.51 billion

Laying Dollar Bills End to End

If you had 27,049,751,096 one dollar bills, and laid them end to end, you would have a line of bills that runs 2,621,294.9 miles. Rand McNally says that it’s 2912 miles from New York City to Seattle. Laying bills end to end, you could make that trip 900.1 times. The average distance to the moon is 238,855 miles. You could make that trip 10.974 times. If you spent 24 hours a day laying these bills end to end, and were able to sustain a rate of 2 bills per second, it would take you 428.87 years to complete the job.

That’s Heavy, Man!

If you had 27,049,751,096 one dollar bills in a pile, it would weigh quite a bit. 55,203,573.6 pounds or 27,601.7 tons to be precise.

Other Interesting Facts

According to Financial World magazine, the total value of all the Major League teams in all four major US Sports (in 1995) was $13.81 billion. That’s only 51.05% of Bill’s fortune.

The US National Debt as of January 1, 1997 was $5,315,651,024,876.76. Bill’s net worth is only 0.5% of that.

Clever and Wise

Three clever men and one wise man are walking in the desert, when they find the bleached skeleton of a lion. The first clever man says, “I can rebuild the skeleton,” and does so. The second clever man says, “I can rebuild the muscles and organs,” and does so. The third clever man says, “I can breathe the spirit of life back into the body,” and does so.

The wise man says, “Excuse me, but I am going to climb this tree.”

Job Openings

Job Openings in San Diego!

Available immediately.

Thirty Nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house. Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill.

The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort. We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, have helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.

Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted.

We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and vodka. You must supply your own Phenol Barbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too.

No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.

ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus.

We are looking for real team players.

Please send resumes to bunchowackos@highersource.com.

Holy Week Vision of God

A women has a vision that God tells her she will live another 50 years. She decides to buff up and has the works at a plastic surgeon’s surgicenter. On leaving the clinic she is run over by a truck and killed. She asks God on arrival in Heaven what went wrong. God says “sorry I did not recognize you.”

Problem With the Phone

Sometime in 1999:

“Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer service. May I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to report a problem with my telephone.”

“Our records show you don’t have local phone service through us.”

“How’d you know who I am? I didn’t give you my name.”

“We have ways.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure you have my phone service.”

“Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone service must be through one of the other three big communications companies. Have you looked at your bill?”

“My bill is 134 pages long.”

“Oh, you’re one of our light users. But we’d be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page.”

“It’s tempting, but I just want my phone fixed.”

“Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith.”

“Thanks. Goodbye.”

Click. Dial. Ring.

“Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars.”

“Little Caesars? You do pizza?”

“You buy it over phone lines. It’s content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable.”

“Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn’t working right.”

“I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line.”

“A phone line, I think.”

“OK, then that’s not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies.”

“Thanks. I’ll call them.”

“And sir? We’re testing some new products in your area. We’re offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance.”

“No, thanks. Bye.”

Click. Dial. Ring.

“Hello. Endorphin Enterprises.”

“I’m sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number.”

“You’re probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but then decided to start fresh. So we’re Endorphin Enterprises.”

“Clever.”

“Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?”

“Yeah, that’s good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn’t seem to work right.”

“Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?”

“I’m not sure.”

“We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so does everybody else these days.”

“Yes, well, it’s gotten a little confusing. I’ve already called those two other companies with long names.”

“Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don’t have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you’d know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem.”

“No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed.”

“My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T. That’s the only other company left in the business.”

“OK, I’ll try AT&T.”

Click. Dial. Ring.

“Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking.”

“Bob Allen? The chairman? I’m sorry. I wanted customer service.”

“No problem. Hold on a moment.”

Pause. Rustling sounds.

“Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking.”

“Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service.”

“This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love it. I’m getting paid $55 billion this year.”

“Well, sir, my phone line doesn’t work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it.”

“Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt.”

Twelve days of Christmas

Someone out there doesn’t have enough to do! Enjoy!

Note: This is ASCII Art. It may be entirely messed up in modern web browsers.


 .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:. 

    _______)    _______)   ,__)      ____,           ____,
   (--||_, _   (--|      _ |   _    (--| \ _    ,   (--/ \ ,_,
     _|| |(/_    _|(_|_)(/_|\/(/_     _|_/(_|\|/_)_    \_/_|_
    (    |__,   (                    (     ,__|         ,__|

    ____,,__)     ,__)
(--/ `|_,,_' ,-|-,_,_, _  ,
  /   | || |/_)| | | |(_|/_)
  \__,  |__,   |__, 

 On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Twelve Drummers Drumming 

 .-}        .-}        .-}
|_|        |_|        |_|
(_)        (_)  __    (_) .---.
| \ .--.   | \.'  '.  | \/     \
|\_|--o )  |\_|--o  ; |\_|--o   |
|:| '--'   |:|'.__.'  |:|\     /
|:|        |:|        |:| `---`
|:|_       |:|_       |:|_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

 .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.
 |M|   |E|   |R|   |R|   |Y|   |X|   |M|   |A|   |S|
 (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)
/\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\
[XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX]
 |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
 |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

 Eleven Pipers Piping
  _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _
,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)
 (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")
 /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\
(/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\)
 |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
 |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 Ten Lords A-Leaping 

 w              w
 w              0__           \0__
\0__     w     /|_     w      /_
 /_     __0/  '\/ /    \0_  '\/ /    w
'\/ /      /_       `    /_       `  __0/
  `   `\/  \,         _\ \,         /_
w                 `           `\/  \,
\0__      w                 w
/_        0__       w      \0__
_\ \,     /|_      __0/      |_
`        `\/  \,     /_      _\ \,
`\/ /,    ` 

 Nine Ladies Dancing 

                                           |~
          ()                       ()      0` |~
  ()    _/)(\_           ()      _/)(\_      0`
_/)(\_   /^^\    ()    _/)(\_     /""\
 /~~\   /____\ _/)(\_   /``\     /____\
/____\          /""\   /____\   ()
        ()     /____\         _/)(\_      ()
|~      _/)(\_           ()      /^^\     _/)(\_
0` |~     /``\          _/)(\_   /____\     /~~\
0`     /____\          /~~\              /____\
/____\ 

 Eight Maids A-Milking 

 __.----.       __.----.        __.----.        __.----.___
(\(__)/)-'     (\(__)/)-'      (\(__)/)-'      (\(__)/)-'        ;--`
`(uu)'      _  `(dd)'       _  `(gg)'       _  `(vv)'       _   |
)  (      (|)  )  (       (|)  )  (       (|)  )  (       (|)  |
(o  o)     8~8 (o  o)      8~8 (o  o)      8~8 (o  o)      8~8 ,/
`--'\_    (__).`--'\_    (__).'`--'\_    (__).'`--'\_    _(__)|
`|||~~/\||     `|||~~/\||      `|||~~/\||      `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
__.----.       __.----.        __.----.       __.----.___
(\(__)/)-'      (\(__)/)-'     (\(__)/)-'     (\(__)/)-'        ;--`
`(99)'       _  `(66)'      _  `(aa)'      _  `(ee)'        _  |
)  (       (|)  )  (      (|)  )  (      (|)  )  (        (|) |
(o  o)      8~8 (o  o)     8~8 (o  o)     8~8 (o  o)       8~8,/
`--'\_    (__).'`--'\_    (__).`--'\_    (__).`--'\_    _(__)|
`|||~~/\||      `|||~~/\||     `|||~~/\||     `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ 

 Seven swans A-Swimming 

 ___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___
/,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \    _,
|/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   / |
//  _/ |//  _/  //  _/  //  _/  //  _/  //  _/  //  _/  |
/ (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   _)
/   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   _/)
\  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-   /
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ 

 Six Geese A-Laying
__         __         __         __         __         __
(' )      >(' )      >(' )      >(' )      >(' )      >(' )
)/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,
/(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\
/        ) /        ) /        ) /        ) /        ) /        )
\ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/
`---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __
~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__) 

 Five Golden Rings 

 ..-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.
((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_))
'-'   '-'   '-'   '-'   '-' 

 Four Calling Birds 

 ___       ___       ___       ___
('v')     ('v')     ('v')     ('v')
((   ))   ((   ))   ((   ))   ((   ))
-/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"-- 

 Three French Hens 

 (\  }\   (\  }\   (\  }\
(  \_('> (  \_('> (  \_('>
(__(=_)  (__(=_)  (__(=_)
-"=      -"=      -"= 

 Two Turtle Doves
_      _
<')_,/ <') ,/
(_==/  (_==/
='-    ='- 

 And a Partridge in a Pear Tree
    _
   ('>
  /))@@@@@
 /@"@@@@@()@
@@()@@()@@@@
@@@O@@@@()@@@
@()@@\@@@()@@
  @()@||@@@@@
    @@||@@@
      ||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

 .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:. 

 __,_,_,___)          _______
(--| | |             (--/    ),_)       ,_)
   | | |  _ ,_,_        |     |_ ,_' , _|_,_,_, _  ,
 __| | | (/_| | (_|     |     | || |/_)_| | | |(_|/_)___,
(      |___,   ,__|     \____)  |__,          |__, 

                          |                         _...._
                       \  _  /                    .::o:::::.
                        (\o/)                    .:::'''':o:.
                    ---  / \  ---                :o:_    _:::
                          *<                     `:}_>()<_{:'
                         0<@<                 @    `'//\\'`    @
                          @<<*              @ #     //  \\     # @
                       @>*<0<<<           __#_#____/'____'\____#_#__
                      *>>@<<<@<<         [__________________________]
                     @>>0<<<*<<@<         |=_- .-/\ /\ /\ /\--. =_-|
                    *>>0<<@<<<@<<<        |-_= | \ \\ \\ \\ \ |-_=-|
                   @>>*<<@<>*<<0<*<       |_=-=| / // // // / |_=-_|
    \*/          >0>>*<<@<>0><<*<@<<      |=_- |`-'`-'`-'`-'  |=_=-|
___\\u//___     >*>>@><0<<*>>@><*<0<<     | =_-| o          o |_==_|
|\\ | | \\|    >@>>0<*<<0>>@<<0<<<*<@<    |=_- | !     (    ! |=-_=|
| \\| | _(uu)_ >((*))_>0><*<0><@<<<0<*<  _|-,-=| !    ).    ! |-_-=|_
|\ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|>>@<<*<<@>><0<<@>>>>>|  ( ~~~ )/   (((((((())))))))
    ~~~~~~~~         '""""`------'  `w---w`     `------------'

Date: Thu, 19 Dec 1996 09:33:07 -0500

Fire Truck

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says. “Thanks, mister,” says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. “Little boy,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right, mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”