You Are 25 to 30 if…

You’re probably aged 25-30 if….

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

In your sophomore class picture, you’re wearing an Izod shirt with the collar “up.”

Your “dressy” wardrobe centered on pastels and linen blazers – guys included.

You know, by heart, the words to a “Weird” Al Yankovic song.

You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.

The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

“The Reflex” was a cool song.

You remember “Battlestar Galactica.”

Three words “Atari,” “Apple,” and “Pong.”

You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn’t an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY option.

You remember the original version of Windows Macintosh.

You remember the days when “safe sex” meant “my parents are gone for the weekend.”

You thought “Wierd Science” was a masterpiece.

You remember any or all of the following: Echo & the Bunnymen, Cutting Crew, Scritti Politti, or Orchestral Meneouvers in the Dark.

Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation movies.

You remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV.

A predominant color in your childhood photos is “plaid.”

While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play “1999” by Prince over and over again.

You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was.

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the “tail gunner” position.

You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases- “When I was younger” – “When I was your age” – “You know, back when…” – “Just can’t (fill in the blank) like I used to”

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel obsolete.

The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool.

You wanted to move to Hawaii because that’s where Magnum lived.

For the girl crazy bunch: Your first sexual dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.

And for the boy crazy bunch: You thought Sean Cassidy was “dreamy”, lusted after “Ted, your ship’s photographer” on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80’s, became something which can only be described by the phrase “I was experimenting.”

Guys: You remember when a guy piercing his ear was radical to the max, but did it anyhow.

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

  • Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.
  • Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out
    there.
  • Return of the Jedi hits the theaters…you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia’s breasts/Han Solo’s butt.

You’ve ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

You actually remember Benetton.

You’re starting to believe (now that it wouldn’t affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

You’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon

U2 is too “popular” and “mainstream” for you now.

You owned a Trapper Keeper.

You remember when there was only “G, PG and R”, none of this PG-13 crap.

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

Wonder twin powers, activate . . . form of an iceberg, shape of a hammer.

You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman/Man or Wonder Woman/the Incredible Hulk.

You remember “Hey, let’s be careful out there.”

You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar and choreographed “Dancing Queen” by yourself in your room.

You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

“All-skate, change directions” means something to you.

You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark.”

You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times as Ridgemont High.

Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 10:55:13 -0400

You May Be an Engineer / Analyst if…

You May Be an Engineer / Analyst if…

  • If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
  • If you want an 16X CDROM for Christmas
  • If Dilbert is your hero *** <----- ***
  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
  • If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
  • If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys
  • If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car
  • If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
  • If you window shop at Radio Shack
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
  • If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
  • If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment
  • If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
  • If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside
  • If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
  • If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
  • If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
  • If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • If you have never backed-up your hard drive
  • If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”
  • If you see a good design and still have to change it
  • If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
  • If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don’t remember where they are
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
  • If you have more toys than your kids
  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
  • If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
  • If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
  • If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
  • If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
  • If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
  • If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
  • If you did the sound system for your senior prom
  • If your checkbook always balances
  • If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep
  • If you spend more on your home computer than your car
  • If you know what http:/ stands for
  • If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
  • If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
  • If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
  • If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Date: Thu, 8 May 97 10:32:18 -0400

Squawks

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn’t.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for.

Three engineers…

There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering
what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work!”

Saddam Hussein’s web page

Saddam Hussein Goes Online – Almost

AMMAN (Reuter) – Fans of President Saddam Hussein can now send messages to the reclusive Iraqi president on the Internet via an official homepage set up to celebrate his 60th birthday, a computer firm said on Sunday.

But well-wishers hoping for replies to their e-mail will have to patient.

There are no Internet facilities in Iraq and Saddam’s electronic mail-box is 500 miles away in neighboring Jordan. All messages have to travel by land in and out of sanction-hit Baghdad.

“I will print them out here and send them by driver,” said Iyad Awad, Amman representative of the Iraqi company Nahj Computer Services which set up the homepage last week.

Awad said he had already received many messages but he was saving them up “so we can send a big amount.”

“It seems all the Arabic public were waiting for this, they are very enthusiastic,” he told Reuters.

The page, at http://196.27.0.22/iraq, shows Iraq’s flag with the Arabic inscription Allahu Akbar (God is great) and a grainy picture of Saddam Hussein, described simply as “The Leader.”

There is a biography of Saddam in Arabic and a description in English of the suffering which Iraqis have endured during nearly seven years of U.N. sanctions, imposed on Baghdad for its 1990 invasion of Kuwait. Blurred pictures of barely discernable tourist landmarks are also on display.

Saddam rarely appears in public and skipped his own birthday parade in his hometown of Tikrit last week, but Awad said any e-mail addressed to him would be passed on to Iraqi authorities in Baghdad.

“These messages should go to the proper places,” he said.

in-duh-viduals

True Stories of Induhviduals
—————————-

Those wacky Induhviduals continue to amuse. Here are some more true sighting submitted by DNRC operatives, edited to conceal the identities of the guilty.
——–
Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar
——–
True conversation with an airline:

DNRC Member: “I’m traveling on your airline next week and I need to carry on some equipment. What is the maximum size of luggage I can bring with me?”

Airline Rep: “62 inches.”

DNRC Member: (puzzled) “That’s just one number. I have a 3-dimensional object I want to carry on.”

Airline Rep: (suspiciously) “So….you SAY you have a 3-dimensional object?”

The conversation did not improve after that.
——–
Induhvidual Sighting:

(I got six versions of this story.)

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
——–
Warning to All Induhviduals:

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don’t know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, “Strip down, face toward me.”

Editor’s Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
——–
Induhvidual Sighting:

A customer at a sub shop ordered “a small soda.” The owner responded, “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have small, just medium and large.” (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type (boss?), disappointedly said, “Okay, I guess I’ll just have to have the medium then.”
——–
Induhviduals Display Their General Knowledge:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?”

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
——–
Advice for Induhviduals:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.”

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”
——–
Induhviduals Leverage Their Synergies:

The managers got together and decided that the problem with our department was that it needed a new name. They met several times, amounting to hundreds of work hours spent. In the end they changed the name from “Information Technology” to “Technology and Information.”

Editor’s Note: Good move. That should eliminate that feeling of doom pervading the staff.
——–
Induhviduals Helping Induhviduals:

Overheard in the office supply megastore, a man asks a store clerk, “Where can I buy some JPEG?” The store clerk directed the customer to the Service Department.
——–
Induhviduals in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
————
Induhviduals and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

“I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
——–
Induhviduals Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
———
Induhviduals In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the Induhvidual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
——–

Southern Microsoft

The Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in the South.

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 95.

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty longneck beer bottle.

3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered by a Hefty bag.

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-right” or “Naw.”

5. Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.

6. The Recycle Bin in “Winders 95” would be an outhouse.

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling “Freebird!”

8. Instead of “Start Me Up,” the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.

9. PowerPoint would be named “ParPawnt.”

10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be “Vishul Basic” and “Vishul C++.”

11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate flag.

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.

13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.

14. New Shutdown WAV: “Y’all come back now, ya hear!”

15. Microsoft’s directors would all be called “Cuz.”

16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from one of the 4 junked Trans Am’s parked in the front yard.

17. Microsoft Office would be replaced with Micr’sawft Henhouse.

18. Four Words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

19. “Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Bill’s a billionaire.”

20. Spreadsheet software tutorials would include inventory examples of junked cars in your yard and hunting dogs sleeping under your porch.

21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.

22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

23. RedMan plug ‘n’ play interface.

24. The company could still use Ky-row as code name for the next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that.

25. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager.

26. Instructions for use would include “mash the control key real hard.”

Professional Preferences

Four surgeons were discussing their work. The first one said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, ” I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and the head and ass are interchangable.”

Old Man

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker’s hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says “What’s the matter old man? Didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?” The old guy says in reply “Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid…”

You Might Be (Or Once Were) A College Student…

You might be (or once were) a college student…

  1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
  2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
  3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
  4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
  5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
  6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
  7. If your glass set is composed of Mardi Gras Plastic Cups
  8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
  9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
  10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
  11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light or the “Beast”.
  12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
  13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
  14. If you consider Pizza one of the four major food groups.
  15. If you consider the other3 to be beer, McDonalds, and candy.
  16. If you’ve ever missed a class to watch daytime soaps..
  17. If you’ve ever sent e-mail to the people you live with.
  18. If you refer to your meal card as “plastic”.
  19. If you’ve ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D. just so you could get that one dollar off at the movies.
  20. If you’ve ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn’t sleep through your morning class.
  21. If you’ve ever called your roommates, not knowing where you were and asked them to come get you.
  22. When you work your class schedule around drinking.
  23. When you watch TV with no volume, while listening to the radio.
  24. When you can play euchre (or spades, hearts, etc.) in any state of mind.
  25. When showering doesn’t happen on a daily basis.
  26. When a blender is your first major appliance.
  27. When you’re not a dork if you wear your backpack on both shoulders.
  28. If you can’t find money to buy food but it miraculously appears to buy alcohol.
  29. When weather begins to be a major factor on your class attendance.
  30. When you would rather do e-mail than study for a test.
  31. When your second major appliance is a coffee maker.
  32. When your walls are covered with beer signs.
  33. When you have a separate refrigerator for beer.
  34. When you spend a majority of your time reading forwarded mail.

Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 15:24:35 -0400