The Corporate Zodiac

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday.The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree”, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”…

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ “TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager”.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager”.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT: 666.

Instructions for Microsoft’s New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.worthless.nogood/tryagain\again/again.bozo

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

More Puns

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, “Try a milk bath.” So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask “You want that pasteurized?” “Nah,” the man replied “Up to my chin should do it.”

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fish-and-chips fast food restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Punches

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, “Try a milk bath.” So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask “You want that pasteurized?” “Nah,” the man replied “Up to my chin should do it.”

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fish-and-chips fastfood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Facts of Life

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can’t buy happiness…But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
5. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
9. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

World’s Shortest Books

A Reader’s Guide to the World’s Shortest Books

20. Gourmet English Cooking
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book

And the number one World’s Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

IQ Test

Scoring guide:

20 Correct – Genius
17 Correct – Above Normal
15 Correct – Normal
8 Correct – Nincompoop
6 Correct – Moron
3 Correct – Idiot

Questions:

1) Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2) How many birthdays does the average man have?
3) Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4) A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s sister, but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come?
5) Why can’t a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6) How many outs are there in an inning?
7) Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Why?
8) Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9) Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10) A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11) If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12) I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13) If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14) How far can a dog run into the woods?
15) A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16) A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17) How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18) A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh?
19) How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20) What was the President’s name in 1950?

Answers:

1) Yes
2) One
3) All of them (12)
4) The beggar is her sister.
5) He can’t be buried if he isn’t dead.
6) 6
7) No – because he is dead.
8) They aren’t playing each other.
9) 70
10) White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11) 2
12) 50 cent piece and a nickel. (one is a nickel, the other is not)
13) The match.
14) Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15) 1 Hour
16) 9
17) None – Noah took them on the ark, not Moses.
18) Meat
19) 12
20) Same as it is now.

Chemistry Puns

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”

The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

—

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.

One says to the other, “Are you all right?”

“No I lost an electron!”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive!”

Christmas Breakfast

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu, he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.”

His order comes a while later and it’s served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the fancy plate?”

The waiter replies, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”