The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt —
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 09:50:14 -0500

The White House

NEWSWEEK did a survey:

100 women surveyed were asked, “Would you sleep with the president”?

81 replied, “Never Again”.

I don’t understand all the fuss about Clinton. He’s just giving the people what they want; sex and Gore.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. l don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#%$#$@%^$# slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

21 Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons

  • Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
  • See if a yawn really is contagious
  • Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
  • Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
  • Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B’ and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on ‘Q’ unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
  • Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front
  • Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
  • Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
  • Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
  • Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
  • If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
  • Pretend to be 4 years old
  • Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
  • By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
  • Try to raise one eyebrow
  • Crack your knuckles
  • Think about your chin for an entire minute
  • Twiddle your thumbs
  • Twiddle your neighbours thumbs
  • Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
  • Practice smiling insincerely

Fascinating Trivia

On the ‘Car Talk’ show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the ‘Puzzler’, and their most recent ‘Puzzler’ was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.

The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener:

Dear Click and Clack, Thank you for the Agincourt ‘Puzzler’, which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking yew”. Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, “See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!” Over the years some ‘folk etymologies’ have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say (like “pleasant mother pheasant plucker”, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘f’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird”.

Weird Test

Hmm… This one didn’t work for me, but people tell me it works for them…

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There’s no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them… really.

Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something)………

What is:
1+5

2+4

3+3

4+2

5+1

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. then arrow down

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.

Keep going.

You’re thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.

Turbo Beep Beep

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. The Turbo BeepBeep is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it cost its new proud owner $500,000. Admiring himself, and his new possession, he takes it out for a spin. No sooner did he get it out of first gear than he is forced to stop for a red light. While sitting patiently for the light to change, an old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old and both sputtering, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The dude replies “A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.”

“That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?”

“Sure” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn’t be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out, and jeezus to betsy, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man replies “Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!”

Beer tips for the Super Bowl

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Whoops!

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. ”

Jake,” she said. “Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.”

But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.”

“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right.”

“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.”

Jake stroked her hand. “Now Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it,” he sobbed. “Why else would I poison you?”

*******************

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four.”

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!” Again, there’s a bright flash …… and both his legs fall off.

Let’s hear it for the Packers!

Application to Become a Green Bay Packer Fan:

Name:___________________________

CB Handle:______________________

Neck Shade:
____ Light Red
____ Medium Red
____ Dark Red

Number of Teeth in exposed full grin: (Neither can exceed 3)
Upper _______
Lower _______

Mobile Home Color:
____ Two-tone, brown & white
____ Two-tone pink & white
____ Faded green

Model of Pickup Truck: _________________

Size of Tires: _________________________

Length of Right Leg: ___________________
Length of Left Leg: _____________________

Note: To be accepted, you must be honest and you must be able to check at least 20 items from the questions below. Note that good Packer fans can sometimes check many answers for some of the questions.

1. My favorite music:
___ Country
___ Western
___ Anything played on an accordion

2. My favorite meal:
___ Head Cheese & Old Milwaukee
___ Venison Sausage & Old Milwaukee
___ Cheese Curd & Old Milwaukee
___ Pickled Pigs Feet
___ $5.99 Fish Fry
___ 7 courses: Brat & six-pack

3. Preferred Weapon:
___ 12 Gauge
___ Tire Iron
___ Forehead
___ Chain Saw
___ Ice Auger

4. Primary Auto:
___ ’67 Ford Galaxy
___ ’67 Ford Galaxy with Transmission
___ ’67 ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala Transmission
___ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala Transmission and ’71 Buick Wagon engine

5. I usually greet people by saying:
___ Ya Hey Dere,
___ Dem Packers is playing like a bunch a Old Women,
___ Dey should take da whole bunch a dem Madison liberals and just linemup and shootem

6. I can count to:
___ 10
___ 20, If I take off my boots.
___ 21, If I get neked

7. I bought part of the “Frozen Tundra”
___ Yes
___ No…but wish I would have

8. Favorite Reading:
___ Fishing Facts
___ Beer Bottle Labels
___ Guns and Ammo
___ Today’s Mercenary
___ Polka Digest.

9. Things in my front yard:
___ Various Kitchen Appliances
___ Car on Blocks
___ Transmissions
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (in-season)
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (out of season)

10. My favorite colors are:

___ Green
___ Gold
___ I’m color blind…except when I have my “Beer Goggles” on.

11. I mostly wear:
___ Polyester pants with snags
___ Polyester pants with holes
___ Green Bay Belt buckle

12. The most memorable event I ever attended:
___ Minocqua Moose call competition
___ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
___ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
___ Carp Queen Beauty Contest

13. My favorite entertainment:
___ Deer hunting while drinking
___ Watching Green Acres reruns while drinking
___ Snowmobiling while drinking

14. Pick one:
___ Someone is helping me read this
___ Someone is reading this for me.

Have someone print your name beside your “X,” stamp envelope (with U. S. Government issue 32 center — that’s the one with the flag on it), address to Packermania, 1 Lombardi Avenue, Green ‘n Gold, USA.