Smilies

Smilies

Date: Tue, 17 Feb 1998 18:26:07 -0500

--- This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes and as luck would have it, he pulled up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and the other guy said," You got a phone in yours?"

"Yes, I've got a phone!"

"You got a TV?"

"Yes, I've got a TV!"

"You got a bed in yours?"

"A bed? No," (dejectedly).

The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way. The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he has a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, "What do you want?"

He says, "I got a bed in my car!

"The guy replies, "You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"

--- The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

--- The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.

The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord," answers the Pope.

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices.

The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks with the cardinal in charge of the phone and says "The charges were 100,000 Lire."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official return visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, The Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

The Rabbi says: "1 Shekel 50."

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap?"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."