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Who's On First - Star Trek Style


Who's On First - Star Trek Style

Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 13:13:15 -0500

Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock. Spock - Good day, Captain. Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan? Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalisations of 'Hurrah' and 'Kock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct? Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth. Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I may be of assistance. Kirk - That's the idea. Spock - Very well... proceed. Kirk - Alright... Who's on first. Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir. Kirk - So? Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy. Kirk - No... Who's on first. Spock - I do not know. Kirk - No... he's third base. Spock - Who is? Kirk - No... he's first base. Spock - Who is? Kirk - Correct. Spock - Who is correct? Kirk - Sometimes. Spock - Who is sometimes? Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity. Spock - Who's identity? Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman. Spock - Who is? Kirk - Right. Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman. Kirk - What. Spock - I said the second baseman. Kirk - What. Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman? Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman. Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir. McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there! Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian. McCoy - Obviously. Spock - That much is certain. McCoy - Just get back to the skit. Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the second baseman? Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman. Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.' Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman. Spock - That statement is most illogical. Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott... Scott - Aye, Cap'n? Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about. Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way! Kirk - You see, Spock? Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman? Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about! Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about. Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event! Spock - What has this got to do with field events? Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman! Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott. Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock! Spock - What you are saying is most illogical. Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella! Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott? Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir! Spock - Who is? Scott - Right! Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott. Scott - Aye, sir. Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient. Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman. Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a Whoever on the team...

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May 04, 2004
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