The Man Who Loved Beans
The Man Who Loved Beans
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 13:35:39 -0400
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in
love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to
himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on
lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly
after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off
any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three
extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time
he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at
the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he
was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about
to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not
to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had
a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving
and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms
a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to
his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the
windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later
the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of
staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10
minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands
on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold
and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.