Date: Fri, 28 Nov 1997 16:08:41 +0500
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash."
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating
a slow learner."
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"