WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75
to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common
ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no
known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural
state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do
not come into direct contact with each other.
MEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she
had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to
360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly
concentrated deposits at all sporting events and
areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low
quantities can be found in any location where
cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft
in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and
Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied;
yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and
semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However,
is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn
against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin
combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic
attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention,
reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will
repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items
in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
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