Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 14:34:01 -0500

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said “…And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?’” Then the teacher asked the class “And what do you think that man said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said “I know! I know! He said ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, “Momma, how come *all* of grandma’s hairs are white?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 09:22:10 -0500

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 19:56:24 EDT

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘grownup words,’” she’d always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana,” Wendy said. “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!”

She then asked Joey what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo,” he said. “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words!”

She turned to Eddie and asked what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful,” said the teacher. “What book did you read?”

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and answered, “Winnie the Shit.”

Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 17:03:23 -0500

Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants.

Despite the potential “brain drain” risks reported in a recent Newsweek covers story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now mistaken almost daily for Maury Povich), I allowed my seven-month-old daughter to undergo a “head read,” conducted in her natural environment. Here are the results.

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens. Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna scale our home entertainment center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire… Nope. No good. Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly…

Whoooops! Hey! I’m flying! Just like Superbaby! Flying through the skies to save the world from total destruction! I’m flying into… Oh, no!

My playpen?! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Help! Save me! WAAAAAAAAAH! NOT THE PLAYPEN! NOT THE…

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Uh-oh. There’s that rumbling noise. Maybe it’s a false alarm… Nope! It’s a mud slide! Run for your lives! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Phew. Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive…

EEEYOW! Where you been keepin’ those baby wipoes? In the deep-freeze? Next time, how about chippin’ the ice off ‘em first?

Hey! I’m flyin’ again! Wheeee! Superbaby! Flying into…my crib? No! No! I’m not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn’t have the energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaHHHHHHhhhhHHHH! Or, for that matter, this: WAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHHaaaaaHHHHHHHaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Huh? Where am I? Hmmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out. Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hey! There’s Dad? He’ll bust me outta this joint!… Hey, Dad, where ya going? You forgot to pick me up! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ha. It worked. What a sucker.

Hiya, Dad. You know, you’d be a pretty good-lookin’ guy if you didn’t have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you with my world-famous vise grip… Oh calm down. Lemme try again, using both hands… Okay! Okay! I’ll just yank out one hair at a time… Sheesh.

What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp fingernails into your face?…

WHOOOOPS! I’m flyin’ again! No! NOOOOO! Not back to the playpen! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hmmmm. I’m famished, and this mystery food ain’t helping. Time to ring the dinner bell. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats. What’s on the menu tonight, Mom? … Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol’ honkin’ spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good!

Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It’s great. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH! Not bad, huh?

Hey! Where’d the peas go? And where did this bottle come from? I don’t want no stinkin’ bottle. Here, I’ll demonstrate by throwing it on the floor. See?

What are you doin’? Don’t pick it up and give it back to me! Obviously, you’re confused, so let’s go over it one more time. When I throw my bottle THUSLY, it means “Ixnay on the ottlebay.” Got that? In otherwords, more strained peas! More strained peas! More strained…

Whoooooops! Superbaby is flyin’ back to the living room floor! Well, it’s about time! Let’s see. What was I doing before all those rude interruptions? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Now, where’s that wire?…

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 11:21:45 -0500

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”

Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 13:16:29 -0500

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire’s in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Date: Thu, 01 Apr 1999 21:38:31 +0500

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That’s impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don’t bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 09:34:31 -0500

Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 09:51:40 -0500