The pendants were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Beamer soon would be there:

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of the Sugar Bowl danced in their heads;

And ma in her Hokies shirt, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long New Years nap,

When out in the town there arose such a clatter, I went from my house to see what was the matter.

Away to the gridiron I flew with great haste, Tore open the doors and threw up the gates.

The lights from the top of the New Orleans dome Gave the luster to the field that was far from home.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a whole tribe of warriors dressed up in their gear.

With a southern ol’ coach, so lively and slick, I knew in a moment that this was no trick.

More rapid than eagles his players they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

“Now MIDGET now CHARLTON now VICK and MOORE. On DAVIS on KENDRICK on KIBBLE and GRAHAM.

From the top of the stands, regardless of polls, This is the BIG game, so go get ‘em, you HOKIES!”.

It’s down to two teams on this championship night. The Hokies and Noles have one last big fight.

So on to the Superdome the teams they did fly, With the book full of tricks that St. Beamer would try.

Frank was dressed all in maroon, from his head to his toe, And circling his head was a great golden glow;

A bundle of plays he had flung on his back, And he looked like a gambler just opening his sack.

His eyes they did twinkled! His smile just as merry! Michael Vick was his man, and boy he could carry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And you could tell it was time to get on with the show.

A secret play book was held tight in his hand, Every one in the nation knew this coach was “THE MAN”.

He had a broad face and was a little round bugger, And shook when he laughed like a BOWLful of SUGAR.

He was cheerful and ready, a right jolly old elf, And I cheered when I saw him, and not to myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He said what he needed, and gathered his crew, Twelve wins in a row was what he would do.

The HOKIES took the field with a big swell of pride, The NOLES were history, there was nowhere to hide.

As he sprang to his feet, to his team gave a holler, He saw them standing just a little bit taller.

“We’ve beaten them all, we’ve got the job done.” It’s now undisputed, WE ARE # 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas and Go Hokies!

Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 15:41:18 -0500

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Date: Fri, 6 Mar 1998 18:12:42 -0500

Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 09:50:14 -0500

Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997

Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient’s face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being “not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!”, but thought he should have them checked out. The patient’s occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. C’s medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this man’s occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer’s Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any relatives.

Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights. He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress.

He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C’s depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he employs only vertically-challenged workers (“elfs”), but I believe his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are “naughty” and “nice”. Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.

Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C’s wounds were cleaned and dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem. On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing “Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!”.

Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere depend on effective management of these syndromes.

Date: Tue, 23 Dec 1997 09:38:14 -0500

1 cup water
8oz. mixed nuts
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup butter
1 tsp. salt
2 cups dried fruit
4 large eggs
juice of 1 lemon
1 tsp baking powder

Method

Sample the bourbon to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?
Check the bourbon.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turnerer.
Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 10:16:13 -0500

• 4th runner up: Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm
• 3rd runner up: A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
• 2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo — Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties
• 1st runner up: 5,200 pick up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game
• Winner: The “Learn about puberty chia pet”

Honorable mentions:

• Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
• The laff-o-minit jajic spellin’ tootor
• Doggie dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
• Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.
• Water retention Wanda — Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
• Advanced play medical kit — includes colonoscope and speculum.
• Chocolate covered lead soldiers
• Bungeroo — kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms
• Islamic strip poker — lose a hand, lose a hand.

Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 15:32:09 -0500

Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.

Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

Dec. 7 Debug Windows 97.

Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.

Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.

Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.

Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.

Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.

Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.

Dec. 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.

Jan. 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.

Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan. 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

Jan. 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26 Review the Christmas ’96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31 Gild lilies.

Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 15:29:33 -0500

The users were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out of the cope there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wandering eyes should appear
but a super contractor with a six pack of beer.
His resume glowed with experience so rare
he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came -
he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
“on update, on add, on enquire, on delete, on batch jobs,
on closing, on function complete.”

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean
from weekends and nights spent in front of the screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing dread.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk
and laying his finger upon the enter key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, the deletes they deleted,
the inquiries inquired, the closing completed.
He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
and with nary abend, all had gone well.

They system was finished, the tests were concluded,
the client’s last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
“IT’S JUST WHAT I ASKED FOR, BUT NOT WHAT I WANT.”

Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 13:54:18 -0500

Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 13:54:18 -0500

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ‘em young, keep ‘em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!”

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 13:54:18 -0500